Same Sh*t, Different Narcissist

Recognizing it's a Pattern and take your energy back.

Recognizing the Patterns of a Narcissist: A Personal Perspective

For years, I drove myself crazy running my head into the same wall. Not literally—though at times, that probably would have been less painful. The pattern was this: I saw a need for the kids, I expressed it, I was belittled, shut down, and disappointed time and time again. I don’t know why I thought divorce would suddenly make him a human being who was easy to work with. That was adorable of me.

I think what happens in a marriage like this is that you are constantly shown little breadcrumbs of the person they could be—not the one they promised to be, not the one they told you they were, but the actual human they might be capable of being in an alternate universe where accountability exists. You start to fantasize. You fantasize about all the ways life will be better without them, the things that you will be able to manage and control without their constant gaslighting voice.

So when you finally break free, a strange thing happens… they don’t change. It’s almost impressive, really. You’re still dealing with their empty promises, their "the check is in the mail" stories, their blame-shifting, and their complete lack of accountability. Sure, there’s relief in knowing you no longer have to deal with it on a daily basis, but it’s still frustrating—especially when your kids are now more affected. You can no longer shield them from seeing the lies firsthand or hearing the excuses themselves And the kicker? You can’t throw them under the bus. (Even though they built the damn bus.)

So when my oldest son came to me and shared that his father blamed his drinking on me:

“I drink because your mom is taking my money.”

And that he blamed me for not showing up to his graduation dinner:

“To be honest, I just can’t stand to be in the same room as your mother.”

I felt like calling a psychiatrist and having him committed.

But you know what helped? Something so simple: Recognizing the Pattern.

The second you feel that all-too-familiar wave of confusion creeping in—like you’ve just been gaslit into questioning whether the sky is, in fact, blue—pause. Take a breath. Remind yourself that just because someone says something with conviction (or, let’s be honest, full-blown delusion) does not make it true. As Michael A. Singer so eloquently puts it in The Untethered Soul, you are not your thoughts or emotions—you are the observer. Watch the feeling roll in, acknowledge it, and let it pass like a cloud evaporating into the sky.

While narcissist would typically be the go-to term to describe this type of person, I’m over it. It’s overused, it’s clinical, and frankly, it doesn’t even begin to capture the level of absurdity that comes with trying to co-parent with one. So, for my own sanity—and amusement—I’ve rebranded mine as a NERD (Narcissistic Ex Ridiculous Douchebag). It just fits.

And here’s the thing about a NERD: they thrive on reaction. They feed off chaos.

But your power? It’s in your ability to stay centered. Nothing drives them crazier than someone who refuses to engage in their nerdy behavior.

NERDs follow patterns, but so does healing. It starts with awareness, then boundaries, and finally, remembering who the hell you were before they made you question it.

Click Here if:

For some Helpful Tips

If You Feel Triggered

You are my Ex

Have you been through this too? Let’s talk in the comments—I see you, and you’re not alone.